I think that anyone who has struggled with their mental health, whether that’s an eating disorder, depression, anxiety or any other measure of mental illness, understands how challenging it can be to take care of both your mind and body. When I was very unwell, I found solace in plants, houseplants, to be exact. Once I was home again, I was more responsible for my own care, which I found very difficult at that point in my life, but my best friend at the time came around with a discharge gift – a Golden Pothos (AKA a Devil’s Ivy). I was immediately intrigued. Suddenly, I was responsible for keeping this living ‘thing’ healthy and nurtured because it meant a lot to me, representing a big change in my life, not necessarily a negative one, but one that would take a lot of fight to become the life I dreamed of. So… that’s where the obsession began. My collection grew rapidly, I learnt all the Latin names, did countless hours of research and began making my own soil mix and perfect lighting conditions, nutrient mixes, etc. – and suddenly it hit me: these plants were thriving, growing and flourishing because I was taking such good care of them, so if I was seeing undeniably amazing results, could I apply that to my recovery?
The simple answer is YES! I slowly challenged myself more, made more of an effort to nurture my mind, new hobbies, and interests, re-integrating into education, meeting up with friends, rebuilding relationships, and becoming ME again. I found that when I nourished my body with a variety of foods – not unlike the mixtures I made for my plants – I had more clarity and focus and even began to love the things anorexia had stolen from me for such a long time. I was GROWING alongside my plants and finding the little joys in life, bettering myself, each ‘new leaf’ for one of my plant babies being a new neural pathway in my brain, exploring something exciting to me. Before I knew it, my relationship with my parents, younger brother and friends was stronger than ever; I had built my own little ‘rainforest’ - a community of people I loved and a network of support for the days when my brain was being unkind. Here’s the thing: I lost some plants along the way because I did not water enough or water too much, and I also had other ailments, so they, too, had “bad” days, but I always learnt from these mistakes.
Sometimes, I would chop them up and propagate them and, from one remaining leaf, create a whole new plant from just a tiny bit of the original – and to me, that sums up poor mental health. It wears you down to a shell of your previous self, but you are never gone; if you fight like hell and give your mind and body the help they need, you too will become the person ‘after’, where you are no longer controlled or defined by your diagnosis or the past.
I am now the me ‘after’, and I can say with all my heart that I have recovered a sentence I thought would never come out of my mouth, let alone share it with others. So, I sit here in my room with my 112 houseplants plus a few terrariums (not an exaggeration; my mum and I just did a count, haha), and do you know what? You don’t need to have hundreds of plants but having a few to look after and grow with helped me and made such a world of difference in shifting my mindset. Oh, and I still have the first plant my best friend bought me!
This story first appeared in the Participation newsletter for the HSK CAMHS Provider Collaborative, which is written and produced by Experts by Experience.